Take Nothing to the Grave

I have had a lot of people be impressed shocked when they read my blog posts. “You really do put it all out there” was my sister’s comment. And she is right. I decided about a year ago that there was no point in keeping this infertility thing “a secret” that just Will and I had to keep locked away. I’ve always thought the more people who know about what we are going through, then the more prayers, more love, and more positive energy that can be sent our way. And more love is always better than less love. I have met a lot of great people online through other blogs, both “sewing” friends and also bloggers who are dealing with the same infertility woes that I am. And on top of that, its funny to find out that friends or people you have known for years went through the same things we have, but did so privately.

But lately all I’ve done on this blog is ramble about fabric selection, new sewing patterns, and the Charleston weather. I’ve been avoiding talking or writing about one big thing that happened to us this summer. To preface, let me just state that July 2014 effing sucked. One of my oldest friend’s father died and the weekend of his funeral, a weekend where I should of been there crying and reminiscing with one of my oldest friends, I was at home instead. I woke up that Saturday morning cramping and bleeding. I was 9 weeks, 2 days pregant. And I was having a miscarriage. He or she was the size of an olive. We had seen a heartbeat only one week prior. And after two years of trying, four IUIs, and thousands of dollars in fertility treatment, this little ray of light which had given us so much hope was gone in a day. It hit Will and me like a bolt of lightning. I had done everything right: limited my exercising, took my vitamins and progesterone pills daily, and gave up alcohol and all the foods on the “do not eat” list. But it still happened. There was nothing we did wrong. Nothing we could of done differently. But I still look back and question my every move. The Thursday evening before the miscarriage I colored my hair. The pregnancy had me bloated, my skin was breaking out like a teenager at a school dance, and my gray roots were popping out everywhere. So I thought a little makeover would look good. I had wavered about if I should do it or not. All the articles I’d read online said it was safe. I bought the organic ammonia free stuff and opened all the windows. At my follow up appointment, my doctor reassured me that me coloring my hair did not cause the miscarriage. “Some times during the fetus’s development, things go wrong,” the doctor told us. “The pregnancy wasn’t meant to go on.” This baby just wasn’t meant to go on. But I wondered, what if it had gone on? Would it of been a boy? Would he have grown up to cure cancer or be the first man to walk on Mars? Probably not. Would I color my hair the next time, if we’re lucky enough to get pregnant again? Probably not. But did I do anything wrong? I don’t think so.

So that’s my story for the month of July. Maybe by writing it down, by putting it in my blog, some one else out there is able to get something from my story. And if not at least I could get my last “secret” out into the world. A clean slate as we leave for our next big adventure this weekend.

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8 thoughts on “Take Nothing to the Grave

  1. hopingonhope says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Yes there was nothing that you did wrong , its just a dirty game of nature to eliminate what is weak or wont survive. Nevertheless, sucks and hits hard. I am sorry for your friends loss too.

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  2. Dani says:

    Priscilla, thank you so much for sharing. I was truly touched by the heart of this piece.

    I hope that you and Will will be blessed with a little one and pray that you’ll continue to honor the one you gave life and heart to.

    With thanksgiving,
    Dani

    Like

  3. Theresa says:

    Aw shit Priscilla. I’m so sorry the two of you had to go through that especially after what you’ve gone through already. Many many many hugs. If I can help at all please let me know. This sucks.

    Like

    • Priscilla says:

      Thanks Theresa! You know after it happened it sucked but at least I felt this relief in that yes I CAN get pregnant. And then I thought oh now since I’ve been pregnant my body will know what to do and it will happen again right away. But it didn’t. And I’m now two cycles post miscarriage and still not pregnant 😔 I guess back to the IUI we go

      Like

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